FOC n’ Belonging Makes for Better DEI than Psychological Safety
Companies have been spending some $8 billion a year on DEI with few results - (Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash)
When have you heard that someone went into risk, or danger for another because they were "psychologically safe"? You haven’t. You don't, and, you won't. Because we don't go towards danger because we're psychologically safe. We go into the unknown, the risky places, and the danger, and then innovate, for those who matter to us. For those with whom we belong.
Simply, they matter more to us than the danger. So, when it comes to that line in the sand, where on the one side we're psychologically safe, and then on the other, we're not, we ignore it. Our line of inhibition to take action diminishes as our belonging gets stronger.
No amount of psychological safety motivates you to have somebody's back. You know, stick your neck out for them. That’s a function of belonging in our neurobiology. And that's why I say, this big push to enable DEI through psychological safety misses the mark.
Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash
Companies have been spending some $8 billion a year on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) (in the US)—and see remarkably few results (Fortune, citing McKinsey & Company Dec. 7, 2021). I know the statistics show that DEI is better for business. I agree 100%!!! It's just that the evidence and arguments don't pan out very well across the work world. If they did, we'd have progressed way farther. I mean, really, the data proves it's not working.
And, don't get me wrong, a psychologically unsafe environment can definitely inhibit DEI efforts. But more importantly, a psychologically safe environment can't pave the way for DEI.
Harder still, DEI efforts threaten the status quo. And here again, I believe the status quo really needs to change. It's a disgrace. In 2021, companies founded solely by women garnered 2.4% of the total capital invested in venture-backed startups in the US. Here's a quick unscientific study. Just did a LinkedIn search: CTO in People. Out of the first 100 people, only seven are women. No one steps into the discomfort to disrupt the status quo because they're psychologically safe. Other reasons, yes, just not that.
I'm a former VP of people & culture, and now, an executive/orgdev coach. I've observed these four things about DEI efforts in both, psychologically safe and unsafe environments. And, the answers are the same.
When DEI comes before B(elonging)
DEI, outside of belonging is fraught with resistance.
Diversity, without belonging, it's a quota that gets fought
Equity, outside of belonging, gets seen as an unjust handout
Inclusion, less belonging's embrace, makes for a stranger in an unfriendly land
This is why, regardless of the arguments, all the data-driven evidence, the anti-bias training, training on how to make a psychologically safe workplace, etc... at 8 billion dollars a year hasn't done much to change things. The arguments and the mandates keep failing. Because, the moment DEI efforts, even with all their honorable objectives, threaten our belonging, DEI becomes the adversary. It’s neurobiology. We’re wired to belong, as in, to really belong, before anything else.
Outside of belonging and regardless of how psychologically safe, each area and DEI easily triggers fight/flight responses.
We don't think about DEI efforts as threatening our belonging. They're supposed to expand belonging! But if we're willing to be honest, yes, DEI can and does threaten. As a VP of people and culture, I found myself in an inequitable situation. It was time for raises and I was reviewing salaries. I found out that a couple of my women co-VPs were making less than me. So, I made the case for our salaries to be on par. And as much as I love the infinite game thinking, the reality is, company financial resources are finite. Their getting moved into a salary range on par meant my slated raise wouldn't happen. What does that have to do with belonging? Lots!
My choice for equity for them came into conflict with my primary circle of belonging, providing for my family. It was my belonging with my women co-VPs that opened the door for me to choose also them, and, my family. No “Belonging” and the “E” in DEI didn't stand a chance. And that's regardless of how psychologically safe the environment was.
Know this. If you put your DEI efforts in the way of your people's belonging, expect those efforts to go nowhere in the face of passive-aggressive resistance.
But when you start with belonging, real Feel, Own, Care Belonging, not a Sense of Belonging, we can open the hearts and minds to embrace DEI
We are not thinking beings that feel. We are not feeling beings that think. We are belonging beings that feel and think.
It's from the story where we belong, that we're willing to give, even go without, for another, to bring them into our company tribes. Moreover, we bring in each person with their full uniqueness. We bet on their potential. From the heart in belonging, we feel, own, and care for each other. DEI gets a red carpet treatment when the filtering bias for who's in and who's out, gets measured by living the ways we belong* in the company and accomplishing the belief in her shared purpose. DEI becomes the means for a better Us Story. Here, filtering by how one sounds and looks, seems kind of dumb.
*(The Ways We Belong = how the lived core values guide all company decisions.)
I love Susan LaMotte's definition of culture.
When asked what culture is, I use the word tribe. A functioning tribe has rules to join, rules to leave, and rules that keep the tribe running smoothly. Take modern American Indian tribes. They still run by tribal councils, and have rules to enroll and dis-enroll in the tribe. They have traditions, symbols and ways of being that are different and may even seem strange or odd to non-members. But members of the tribe relish in them. They belong.
The codified ways we belong prevent the vacuum that would otherwise get occupied by the fight/flight that comes with fitting in. Fitting in is the natural outcome in the absence of clearly defined ways of belonging. People who fight for DEI outcomes from their belonging, on the other hand, fight for each other's diverse uniqueness. Belonging provides the inviting embrace as well as the clear and agreed-upon boundary. And, no, not everybody belongs. Only those who adhere to the ways the company tribe belongs in pursuit if it’s shared belief in purpose. (Yeah, I know I sound a little Brené Brown-ish.)
With respect to a "Sense of Belonging," I'll just ask you. Will you work for a sense of a paycheck?
Pause… would you work for a “sense” of a paycheck?
And though belonging is the answer, the current often-cited institutional models for understanding belonging also add even more resistance to DEI. The problem: they are one-way, receiving transactional models of understanding. An affirmation model. One-way-emotional streets. I get, therefore I belong. You're left asking, "When the money runs out, will you still have my back?" "If they get, and I don't, do I belong?"
Here’s Cornell University’s understanding of a Sense of Belonging for reference:
Belonging is the feeling of security and support when there is a sense of acceptance, inclusion, and identity for a member of a certain group. It is when an individual can bring their authentic self to work.
Here's the APA definition:
n. The feeling of being accepted and approved by a group or by society as a whole. Also called belongingness.
Both of these popular definitions get cited regularly. And they're both one-directional and in receive mode. They're both affirmation/acceptance models. Nothing in them says, "we belong... I got your back."
A New Model for Belonging, Feel, Own, Care
Belonging, it’s a state of being, in relationship with others:
When you feel, own, and care for them, in their successes, dreams, and failures. And, they feel, own, and care for you in yours. It’s a two-way street.
DEI efforts need the “we’re in this together” bidirectional space so it’s not working against the neurological tide. Belonging fills the emotional space with a unite-and-fight neurochemistry, leaving less room for fight/flight.
It’s a two-way street of feeling for yourself and them, owning your life and theirs, and, caring for yourself and them. And they do the same with you. If you prefer today’s typical business emotional intelligence language, it’s mutual- empathy (feeling), accountability (owning), and compassion (caring for).
I prefer to use the simpler regular language of, feel, own, and care for. It's how we would actually talk to each other, and think, and feel towards each other if we were sitting in a coffee shop, or bar, or now, across the Zoom. We say, "I feel for you, my sister (or xi, or brother), what can I do to lighten your load?" We don't say, "I empathize with you, person I am accountable towards, what act of compassion do you need?" The more academic and intellectual the language, the farther from the heart we seem to get.
Belonging requires all three - Feel, Own, and Care for
There’s a hollowness that we know, that comes when any of the three: feel, own, or care for, aren’t genuine, or, are missing.
Without the Feel, (empathy) we question whether or not we're really theirs, when they say, "You're my friend... or my employee..." We question the "why" of their care for us.
Without Own, (accountability) we're stuck with the nagging doubt of whether their expressed feelings for us are true. We doubt if their care for us is actually for us.
Without Care for, (compassion) we disbelieve in the genuineness of their expressed feelings and their claim that we are theirs.
Feel Own Care Belonging
But when you have all three, look out, you get a company of people that will find a way for each other.
You know you belong because first, YOU feel, own, and care for them, AND, second, THEY also feel, own, and care for you. If it's just them, you're getting affirmation, and yeah, that feels good. If it's just you, you're probably just fitting in, or in codependency.
It really comes down to this, we'll fight for those that we feel, own, and care for. It's how we get to this type of scenario.
Maori Woman With Face Tattoo Is 1st to Anchor Primetime News
You love and belong at your company so much you want to include someone from another circle of your belonging, into it. So you invite her to join. Her values align. She's excited about joining in purpose. She didn't come from a fancy college, but you don't care. Hard knocks couldn't stop her. She meets with the team, and they see she'd need some added mentoring and training, well, in the comparison of the skills to the other candidates. She’s been out of the workforce for 20 years. You could invest in her, and give some equity on her behalf, for a better company in the future. And, she even looks different, diverse, in her bright-colored clothes, and what looks to be she-warrior tattoos on her chin and up her right arm to her bicep. She sees things differently than you, but comes from the same heart, with similar enough core values.
When she told her back story, you could hear the company's core values echoed in it. Your people could tell she'd already chosen them, and she was bold and vulnerable about it. She wanted in on the tribe. And they chose her too. Belonging’s a 2-way-street.
That's what you get through feeling, owning, and caring for each other - real F.O.C.’n belonging.
Win the DEI long game in FOCn’belonging! Think BIED, not DEI+B
Create a place where the ways you belong (feel, own, care for) come from your no-compromise lived core values for each other, as you work towards your shared belief in purpose. This is your primary bias/filter.
Include, or invite someone in, based on whether they'd embrace the ways your company tribe belongs and in their shared belief in purpose.
Look more towards their potential, what they can and would agree to do, vs just what they've done before and where they're from. You're willing to use equity to get them and bring them into the company belonging.
Seek those, in their complete and individual diversity, from a biased filter of, they'd embrace the company's ways of belonging, and pursue its shared belief, promised land.
We take action sooner in belonging.
When your people belong, their efforts pertaining to DEI play a natural part in deepening the company tribe. In the search for adding another person to the company Us Story, they'll unite and fight for each other's diverse uniqueness, because the ways your people belong are clear in their invitation and boundary. They’ll act for it sooner!
Psychological safety can't provide that. You can't just play it safe.
You play to belong, and then you win with DEI.
I’ll leave you with a wonderful description of belonging by Owen Eastwood, the author of, Belonging, The Ancient Code of Togetherness.
#Whakapapa (Maori for, "you belong here") points a finger at us and tells us, You will not be judged by your money or celebrity or sense of self pride . . . you will be judged by what you did for our tribe. When the sun is shining on us, we must be guardians of our tribe and of each other.
Belonging, The Ancient Code of Togetherness. (pp. 18-19).
Thanks for taking the time to read this, really. If you’re curious, or, you’d like to couch your DEI in belonging for real success, give me a holler. Catch ya, Paul
This piece was originally published on LinkedIn, , November 2022.