Don't want to seem Smug & You’re a Badass. Here's how
Wouldn’t it be great to get the job, or promotion, instead of being told later by your company, “If I’d known you were so good at this, I’d have given you the role?” If you’d accepted the compliment and their appreciation and focus landed on you? If you’d offered up something you are really good at, they knew you were the one for the job.
We’ve all been given a compliment and felt awkward. And we’ve all been asked to share something we’re super good at and felt really uncomfortable.
Each of us has something we’re rather amazing at. I know you have things that you’ve worked your butt off for so that you’ll be damn good at them. I know that people have thanked you for the rather incredible things you can do. I know you have qualities and traits that when people experience, they are immensely grateful for you.
Telling people you’re good at something, or, having somebody compliment something about you, often feels uncomfortable. But it doesn’t have to, nor stop you.
I’d like to share an insight from a few years of coaching. That discomfort, its got nothing to do with the words, “I’m so good at…,” or, “You’re so good at…” Rather, it has everything to do with your self-belonging and belonging with others, and the story you’re telling yourself.
You’re a Badass, I’ll just assume that
Scenario One, commonplace
So, play along with me here. Imagine you and I are talking, and I say, “Tell me something that’s so good about you that people should know about.” Or, I excitedly say in front of people, ok, especially in front of people, “Tell me about how incredibly well you did!”
(Did you get that little knot in your gut?)
Do this right now. Say, out loud, whatever it is that’s sooooo good about you, yes with your own lips. Do you feel the resistance? Are you having a hard time coming up with an example? Ok then, think about the last time you received a compliment and wanted to shrug it off. Think about the last time you wanted to say, “Let me do that, I’m good at it, possibly the best person here for it,” and you didn’t. Are you there yet? I’m pretty sure you have that pretty cool thing about yourself that you could say out loud…
could be in an interview for that job you so desperately want
could be in a discussion on a podcast that you dreamed of being on
could be asked in a very public setting, “Are you qualified for this?”
could be praised in front of the whole company for an incredible presentation or act of service
(That feeling in your gut get bigger? More uncomfortable?)
There’s a story you’re telling yourself, that’s confusing the cause of your feelings of discomfort in questionable belonging, with sharing something wonderful about yourself.
Scenario Two, with a Best Friend Reframe
Now imagine I’m your best friend. Seriously, for that same fantastic quality(s) of yours, or things that you do, and the words and your thoughts that you could share- place yourself in the presence of your best friend’s voice and face.
Ok, let’s go. Remember, this is between you and your best friend’s face and words coming to you. I know, I’m writing this, but ask yourself, if my best friend said these words to me, how would I respond?
“Hey (to you), I heard you just did one of the best … {fill in the blank} … ever! Tell me what it was like! How you did it!”
The Difference and the Same-ness
I’m gonna bet, you don’t have that awkward discomfort when your best friend says something like that to you. And, I’m gonna bet, that if your best friend hadn’t heard about it yet, you would’ve called and excitingly shared about what an amazing thing you did!
The difference: the unclear state of belonging with whom you may share the wonderful stuff about yourself.
The same-ness: the wonderful stuff about you. Yeah, it’s still wonderful!
The difference between scenarios one and two is the story you’re telling yourself in each space of belonging. That incredible thing about you, an attribute, a developed skillset, your character… it’s the same. That something good about you is not bad. It’s not bad to share! Fortunately, you can shift things in a reframe.
Now that you know the good thing about you isn’t inherently bad to share, you can set that obstacle aside.
It’s not bad to share good things about yourself.
Shifting to Show up in Vulnerable Belonging with a Best Friend Reframe
Reframe your belonging with whoever you’re talking to. Remember, the story you’re telling yourself is the story you live. It’s the story they’ll see and feel. So, instead of that interview team for that new job being the critical judge in your story, maybe you can shift them towards more like your best friend in the belonging-o-meter frame. Remember, there is nothing intrinsically bad in sharing that you have a wonderful attribute, or, are fawesome in some skills. It’s just that with your best friend (a place of real belonging) you get vulnerable more easily. Comfortable instead of uncomfortable.
Make them your best friend in your own story.
(Yeah, you may have just met, but they’re just as excited to find somebody with your brilliance for the role, as you giving your brilliance)
(Also give them your interest in them, individually for each if there’s more on the panel, just like you would your best friend.)Put your friend, the imaginary version that’s one of the people in your #innerittybittygrittycommittee, on your shoulder
(You’re consciously taking your gritty committee with you)Share your excitement and how well you did, and can do, and what that means to you
(Let them see Your Why, “but what if they don’t like it?” that’s why we call it vulnerability.)Look for them to celebrate with you as you share
(If they don’t, do you really want to be with them? Think about it.)Share with them how exciting it would be to bring and share your badass ability with their company
(If you’re not excited about you, how can they be excited about you? Tap into that excitement your best friend has for you, in your abilities and success, keep it at the ready.)
You’re a badass. Yep, in some elements of your life, that’s what you are. If you can share them with your best friend unabashedly, boldly, and with all goodwill, then you can share them with others too. Maybe not as high a level as you would with your best friend, but you can still share the good things about yourself since there’s nothing bad about sharing them. You’re not smug, or a braggart. You can say a genuine thank you for a compliment, and share about the good things you have to offer the world, without shame.
One thing’s for sure, how you set your frame of belonging, with whomever, an interview panel, a podcast host, a crowd at your keynote speech, the story you’re telling yourself is the story that you’ll play out with them. The beautiful thing, you get to choose that story. And they’re going to feel it. Belong with them.
That might be why love this quote attributed to Albert Einstein,
"The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe."
If you want to experience this type of work and growth, reach out to me.
We’ll spend a little time together in belonging and I’ll bet you’ll start saying thank you to compliments and have an easier time sharing your brilliance, especially when doing so will help advance you in your aspirations.
Thanks for taking the time to read this and if you found this article helpful, please share it with another. I’d really appreciate that.
Have a great day and keep making our work world a better place to belong. Paul