Choosing Belonging… It's Hard because it's Just Effing Hard

Tim asked in a LinkedIn comment, “Why then, is it so hard for corporations and teams within these companies to foster this type of environment (high belonging), knowing that success assuredly will follow, and at levels unattainable otherwise?”

👋 Tim, I'll offer it's because it's not about the arguments and the facts, that we're right they're wrong stuff. It's about the Us Story, the details in the "we believe", and a "we experience" that shows the belief to be limiting, which leads to our moving from belief to misbelief to new belief. And new beliefs, well, any new belief that deviates significantly from our sustaining community’s belief, triggers fear.

We all already know it's actually not about the knowing. Think back about your last argument and how successful it was. And that’s because the knowing is defined by our sustaining circles of belonging: family, friends, faith community, work environment (often defined by those 6 most expensive words, "we've always done it this way"),… etc.

Christians say, it's in the Bible. Muslims say, it's in the Koran... I think we can reflect on how well that type of approach has worked. However, if we connect and share our Us Stories with each other, we end up moving into each other stories, often looking at our beliefs from another viewpoint as opposed to defending them. Take a listen if you get a chance to this podcast where Mohamed Hammoud and I spend a little wonderful time on his UNFLTRD Podcast, sharing our stories together. Hint, yeah we come from different communities of faith, and yet we can belong.

Changing from what works in your supporting community is neurobiologically hardwired to be hard to do, and that's for good and sometimes for bad. What's new to us, no matter how well proven outside of our supporting community, is still new, and falls into the fuzzy not yet. And for our brains, that's fuzzy. Fuzzy is unclear, and unclear triggers fear. Notice, we never complain about this aspect when it keeps us from being eaten by a sabertooth tiger, or any business decision equivalent thereof.

I'm a rock climber. When I learned how to lead climb, there was a moment on the wall where I’m going to have to fall. For the first time! I'm 30+ feet off the ground. I know with absolute certainty that the rope can hold 10,000 pounds in a dynamic stretch. I know that the belay device will not let the rope slip freely. I know my climbing partner is perfectly trained. I’m 30 feet up.

So, it's time for me to peel off the wall and do my first lead fall. In my head, with an unbelievable amount of conviction, I tell my hand to let go!

A little bit later, Chip yells, “God Paul! Let go of the f*#&ing hold!”

Yep, I’m still on the wall 30 feet up, and yes he’s thrown a whole bunch of choice names at me.

Finally, I have to wrestle with everything my known world and experience tells me about falling, that from this height, I’m going to die or get really really badly hurt. After a few more choice words from Chip, I do it. I let go. “F*&K!!!!!”

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Before I got comfortable with lead falling, I’d have to do this over and over, experience it, over and over. I went from belief, to misbelief, and then to new belief. After that, I was able to reach new heights, that I couldn’t do in my old ways and beliefs. I have a new story that I live.

That’s how hard it is for most business people to change their command-and-control business model to a belonging culture. If I let go of the command and control hold, I will die. I mean, it’s working, so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. But at what cost, what height and quality not achieved?

The primary business experience over the last hundred years has been command-and-control. Moving into a belonging culture, that’s taking a Lead Fall. It’s f*#&ing scary.

Thanks for that marvelous question Tim.

Oh, and here’s a fun video of our nephews taking themselves to new heights on our rock wall!